Monday, February 9, 2009

Shake Well Before Opening

"As a kid growing up in the '70s, I didn't want to be real life astronaut Neil Armstrong, but fictional space traveler Captain James T. Kirk. Kirk was bold, brash and he got all the chicks - even the green ones. Kirk got to fight aliens and even nazis... Armstrong just got to walk on the moon."
-- Editor's Desktop

It sucks to get fooled by the thaw. It sure looks like all the snow is going to melt, the birds are going to return and the sun is going to start shining. This, of course, is not true. It is only February 9th and, of course, this is Buffalo, New York. Spring is..... in reality, probably two months away. And, most likely, it will snow again, and be cold again, and not be Spring soon enough. Shit.

I grew up in this town, have lived my whole life in this town and with the exception of a few trips down south, I have never really left this town. You would think, I can get used to the cold and the snow. I smile bravely and proclaim to anyone who cares, and even those that do not, that, "I live in Buffalo by choice and damn it, I like this backass town". Am I crazy, perhaps. Am I too lazy too move? I don't really know.

When I was a kid, I thought by the time the future came streaking in-- which was the year 2000 and beyond-- we would be living in space. I thought for sure we would be zooming around in spaceship-like hovercrafts, eating food out of tubes and pills and lounging around in matching shirt and pants sets. I thought we would be playing 3-D chess like they did on the Enterprise. I thought we would be drinking Romulan Ale. I thought we be vacationing by simply traveling within our own minds, courtesy of a Holodeck-like, altered-reality, dream machine. Shit.

Slack issue #19- The Science Fiction Issue Dec/Jan 1996
(published 12.08.95)

The cover was modeled after the World Weekly News and announced the challenge: Capt. Picard vs. Capt. Kirk- Who Was the Baddest Captain?, Ten Reasons to See Star Wars Again and It's Cool To Be a Nerd. This was the second last issue of Slack and it is really full of some good stuff with a detailed Sci-Fi Movie Guide. 'Sci-Fi,' now this was a theme all the writers really embraced and gave it their all. Raisin Blowme's Building a Better Tomorrow: Star Trek Technology in Today's World looked at uses for Trek gadgetry in the world of 1996 including the Transporter, "Gridlock is eliminated by this mode of instantaneous travel. The downside is that Jehovah's Witnesses keep beaming into your living room." There is an interesting look at computers and their role in 1990's cybersex, as well as the casting of Star Wars- The Musical with Thurston Moore as Luke, Matthew Sweet as Hans Solo and the band Gwar playing the Sandpeople. Brilliant! How come this musical hasn't happened yet 13 years later?

There are some great record reviews including Black Grape, the first Chemical Brothers record (...setting the course for a new begining-beyond stale techno), and some local bands like Elk, Cotton Mouth, Saturn Battery and Lynn Rogers. This issue includes the usual suspects: Stick, Comix by Hump and a Bitter Boy rant on bad restaurant service. Speaking of bad restaurant service, there is an ad for Mojo's in this issue. This was the all-night diner which was on Chippewa and Delaware in the space which became the Kingsnake, which became a martini bar or taco joint or something which is in a hotel (now). This is the place I used to sometimes go after DJing at 4:00 AM, figuring the Towne was be too crowded (always best to get there by 3:00-3:30 AM or so). I would be the only one in the joint and had to still wait 45 minutes for simple eggs and homefries! What was wrong with that joint!

The Reasons Aliens Will Never Land in Buffalo (circa 1996):
10. We can't even get Barry Manilow to play here, why would they come.
09. Since there is no snow in space, aliens would fear Buffalo during the winter season.
08. Don't want to waste time turning residents into mindless drones (find they already exits, called 'football fans'!)
07. Afraid of Jeff Simon and his 'pact with the devil.'
06. Mayor (Masiello) would assume they were illegal aliens and expect them to work in his kitchen for free.
05. Zoning laws prevent intelligent life within city limits.
04. Some nights it seems none of the bars have Guiness Stout.
03. The toxic residue left by Carey Grey is still here* (*see issue #17, the Local Radio Issue).
02. Why bother; they also have Hooters restaurants where it is warm.
01. Anthony Violanti.

Accompanying Photo: An 'artist's recreation' of former Buffalo Bill Fred Smerlas happily greeting an extraterrestrial in Buffalo, NY. Photoshop magic, I tell you....

Downlaod PDF here:
Slack Magazine n. 19, the Science Fiction issue (7.1 mg)

Don't forget these issues already up (one more to go, baby!):
Slack Magazine n. 18, The Two-Year Anniversary! issue
Slack Magazine n. 17, The Local Radio Issue
Slack issue n. 16- The Summer Fun Issue (#2)
Slack Magazine n. 15, The Local Music Issue
Slack Magazine n. 14, The Cartoon Issue
Slack Magazine n. 13, The Food & Beverage Issue
Slack Magazine n. 12, The One-Year Anniversary Issue
Slack Magazine n. 11, The True Crime Issue
Slack Magazine n. 10, Summer Fun Issue
Slack Magazine n. 9, The Dead Rock Stars Issue
Slack Magazine n. 8, The Beer Issue
Slack Magazine n. 7, Slack Goes to The Movies Issue
Slack Magazine n. 6, The Buffalo Issue
Slack Magazine n.5, The Slack TV Issue
Slack Magazine n. 4, SEX in the '90s Issue
Slack Magazine n. 3, The Politico Issue
Slack Magazine n. 2, The Travel Issue
Slack Magazine n. 1, The Debut Issue

1 comment:

Betty Barcode said...

Hey, can I reproduce your "10 Reasons Aliens Will Never Land...", with link & attribution, at my Buffalo Humor page?